| Josh's profilethe "J" strokeBlogListsNetwork |  Tools  Help |
|
the "J" stroketaking a timeout September 24 Back?Well....I am on a work term yet again. Albeit this work term is in Regina and not Calgary. I think that I may begin the stroke again. Maybe along the same format, maybe some New Josh, a little less of the Old Josh. We will see.
Since you last heard from me...
Travelled all over the UK
Perfromed as a Best Man and also as a Grooms man for two of my long time friends
Set a date for my own
Bought a house
Got a newer used car
Played an entire rugby season
Finished a semester of school
Stopped drinking...(May 5th)
Lots to talk about, stories that won't be nearly as funny though with the stopped drinking thing, but maybe I will just need to *embelish* a little more.
Got plans this week to go outta town so we will see if I get around to posting something right away. This is just a teaser...
April 27 Fly home FridayBeverly Hills Ninja. You know the movie, Chris Farley and that black comedian with the annoying voice, Chris (Tucker or Rock, who can tell the difference?)…. So I went to one of those restaurants finally. It was cool all Japanese and that, with the big stainless grill in front of you. You know the one, the one just like in the movie Beverly Hills Ninja. Food was great. Sapporo beer tastes just like Pilsner. Rice was rice, all white and plain, but that weird shit that you put on top out of the cat’s saucer tasted funky. Got all chopsticked up and slopped half into my mouth and half onto my dress pants and shirt. Man, wet napkins do not work or help at all. I was left with a larger stain, slightly diluted in colour after the scrubbing, and now completed with tissue cling-ons. Sake was sake, tasted like ass. That is why the cups are so small, it isn’t because the race is small and therefore a lesser race, it is because if you are going to drink piss, or something that tastes like it, then you are going to take it in small quantities. Cotton Candy is good, that is why it comes on a huge cone, and tonnes of it. Hot sauce is nasty, that is why it comes in small bottles all hard to read…Or maybe not, but for the sake of argument, just believe me when I say that a small amount of sake is still too much. And this from a guy that eats some weird shit from some weirder places. Blah blah blah, I ate my farewell lunch, got a nice card and book from my boss. Got a reference letter, and it was a refer ence for me to get a good job, not a reference to his balls or something of the sort that I thought it could be….(lucky that I am not in a position of power just yet, probably have a few harassment cases on the go simultaneously)… On my way home, filled out the zillionth form that a federal employee has to when they quit, did my exit interviews…EXIT interviews…how retarded is that, if you are leaving how many good things can you have to say about a place. Uhhh….it was good, but obviously there is something somewhere else that I have found that is better…. I liked my office…. I stole the stapler, you caught me so here it is, wasn’t a Swingline anyways, what the fuck is a Boston Stapler? Got me my pens, and highlighters, a golf divot fixer keychain, some other random shit, it is all good, leaving with a little more than some memories if you know what I mean. Prepare that warm pink center for me Regina, I am coming home in a hurry and there is no time for foreplay! Gonna hurt a little, but you will get used to me being back in there, all angry inside and happy on the outside. That’s it, I am outta here….could this be the end of the J Stroke? Only time will tell… April 26 Man-Slave ChanReading Paul's crappy dumped on the net letter, I feel bad about this technology.
I was sitting around late yesterday afternoon, reports all finished, and realized that,
Wow! it is kinda easy to blow an hour or two on Facebook, just looking at friends of friends of friends. I feel like a loser. This is what it must be like to be a computer nerd. My eyes hurt, and I feel like a virgin. I almost downloaded some Japanime and beat it there. Good thing I got out of that. And no, I know what you are thinking, you are thinking “The J Stroke blogs, does that make him a nerd or computer geek?” , that does not make me nerd or anything of the like, I am a service. I am needed by others to fill those boring voids in the work day between coffee and lunch, lunch and coffee and coffee and hometime. I am a nerd! I just realized that Facebook is that same void….but wait!.....There is a clause here that gets me out of being the nerd. Say hello Chan…..I said say HELLO!!.....x mjkuihjm kgm , Fuck that is better, while Chan comes too, I will explain this clause. You see, I do not actually write the stroke. I am the J, don’t get me wrong, but the stroke is actually my man-slave, Chan. He does all of my typing and punctuation and all that, I just stand off to the side free balling it. I stole him from the courts, he was a stenographerer thing. He is Chinese so he is small enough to fit into my backpack and take with me to work each day. Chan is the nerd. I am the thoughts, the anger and all that that persuade him to write for me. Enough of this shit, I am going to get that bastard up, this last few sentences took me forever….. Better. You feeling woozy Chan?....I said are you feeling woozy!? ….yeah, kinda, I wish that you would stop hitting me though. I have bruis……. Little mouthy prick, teach him to talk back. Well, this is so hard for me to do, all this thinking and typing at the same time, but I just thought you should all know the truth, that I am not a nerd, and that Chan, my man-slave, is a huge one. A nerd with a large lump on his head at the moment, I hope I didn’t damage him, he was the only one at the court house that would fit into my bag. That fat chick would make a mess of my gym clothes and stolen office supplies if I tried to shove her in there. It is a big bag, but not that big…. I am pretty bored of all of this shit, maybe tomorrow Chan will be back in action and I can have another ready for y’all. Sucketh my wang bitches, tomorrow I renew myself to the QC and I am gonna rock out with my cock out! April 25 Last Calgary HumpOne last hump out in Calgary. How will the ‘kus be in the weeks to come? Nobody knows… I will give it one last effort out here though. Maybe a real one that winey would like, all flowers and animals and the like. Fucking yogi bear. I will write one that describes how I am feeling, as always, I will put a conservative edge on it so those with baby eyes can read it. Fuck this. You will get your haiku, but first, I am writing a song about Calgary. Tough to read a song I know, but I will make it an easy tune. Remember that shitty old cartoon of spiderman? That is the tune I am going to use. Calgaryman, Calgaryman, Does whatever a spider can Spins a web, any size, Catches thieves just like flies Look Out! Here comes the Calgaryman. Is he strong? Listen bud, He's got radioactive blood. Can he swing from a thread Take a look overhead Hey, there There goes the Calgaryman. In the chill of night At the scene of a crime Like a streak of light He arrives just in time. Calgaryman, Calgaryman Friendly neighborhood Calgaryman Wealth and fame He's ingnored Action is his reward. To him, life is a great big bang up Whenever there's a hang up You'll find the Calgaryman. Got to the point after like the first line where I was all like fuck this. It is true, I had some pretty big aspirations taking on a classic like this without respect for how hard it is. And No, I did not just use a search and replace hot key…I wish I did, it sucked typing all that shit out. I may try again another day, but for now, I will write you that stupid fucking haiku that you wanted to see. Cruel Intentions That bitch was hot, and a tease! Too bad we are kin Haha, dude got blue balls from his sister! Side note. Manfest is coming up soon. For those of you in the know, it will be awesome. For those of you in the WTF??? Haha, enjoy the mystery that is Manfest and try and think of all the things it could be! It is not made up, and I am going. And I know it isn’t for homos cause its all guys who hate homos. We all get drunk and talk about how much we hate them and act out the things that we hate most about them. I am known for miles around for my nut-tucking skill, “sweet, check out that dude’s vagina!” I hear that shit so often it doesn’t even phase me anymore. I then spin and give them the old goat wing. (combination of bat wing and goat) April 24 A nickel?!When the boy broke his knee, where did he go to get a new one? At the butcher shop, where they sell kid-knees. I thought about going into the black market for body parts on a number of occasions. The first such occasion came when I found out that I was adopted, and my brother had in fact tolkd me that my parents had paid a nickel for me on the black market. I had to ask him what the heck a “black market” was anyways, and he told me that it was a market for all things “bad or evil” hence the name “black”.
I believed him, he was pretty much right about everything after all, he was 6 years my senior and always told me the best dirty words which I knew worked by the ghost white complexion on my Mom’s face after I used them.
Anyways, I wanted a brother like me, for a nickel nonetheless, I could afford a few a week and still keep up my candy binges at the local Circle K foods store.
I needed a small army, and I do mean small. I wanted 3 more like me, three more adopted midgets to do battle with my much larger brothers. One year older and a foot taller, my one brother would always pick on me, I figured another few of me, or kids like me and we could take him down a notch, and a nickel for a kid brother was cheaper than the hacksaw at the Co-op which would be the alternative.
The other brother, the one 6 years my senior was obviously bigger than me, but he was also bigger than my Dad by the time he was 14 and a mean SOB at that. I thought that I would need some back-ups if he ever turned on me, for now his attentions and anger were focused our other brother.
I would keep them in boxes in the basement, or out back in the garden shed, I figured they could live off of those nasty ass sour crab apples that no one likes, but your Mom makes you pick like 12 dozen baskets of them a year anyways. A kid can only eat so much crab apple jelly….Feed them those nasty apples, there was a garden hose for water. I could make them shirts out of my brother’s shirts, I was getting 2 shirts out of each one of his hand me downs.
It was a lie! That bastard! I asked around and found out where I really came from. Some blonde lady that my parents knew, not the black market! They never even paid for me, I was a freebie! My only consolation was that they took their chances birthing those other brothers and left it to genetics, they got to see me and make sure I was all there, so I guess that makes me special…and free…that sucks. One day I will buy a child, a number of them actually, and pay my big brother’s a visit they will never forget. April 23 Weekend Update with J-Stroke and Tina FeyWent out. Had fun. Watched Flames lose. Twice. This is such a cop out, I know, but this is all you are getting. Nothing crazy to talk about...Jeremy tried to steal a small child's rugby ball and couldn't even succeed at it...went to the peelers, destroyed my roommate in ping pong even though I gave him an 11-1 lead...peelers sucked btw...Roadhouse was a kicking bar, not too shabby...Flames lost twice...Not much else...have some things to work on out here, tomorrow's forecast: back at the blog...Lee, fuck you...tune into Paul's for some great vacation stories and all that, I am still too shook up about this morning's VTech bell ringing ceremony to go on.
Note to self. Do not make any more enemies out of the foreign kids in Engineering. No matter how hard it is not to make fun of them, try not to. also, try and keep your genitals in your pants, it is embarassing to find out that your cock has been out all day at work...wondered why the secretary was stopping by so often to "talk", I don't even speak french and she knows that...dirty old broad... April 20 Wee TadsMemory lane Fridays seem to suck, don’t they, admit you cocknoses, you think that they are boring because they are all about me and I am so egotistical and all that. Damn rights I am but maybe today I regale you with a jaunt down someone else’s memory lane. How about one of those classic stories retold? You know like Romeo and Juliet redone with Leonardo and guns, but I may do a little more than modernize this story. First thing is first, pick a story that everyone knows and can recall quite easily. Fuck this. This is taking way too long to do. I will just make up a story instead. Not a story, a memory. Not just any memory, some sweet ass Forrest Gump style memory that is so far-fetched and bullshit only a retard like him would try and pull it off. “So I just kept on running, and then when I reached the coast, I figured I would turn around and head for the other coast” What an asshole! Who runs like that, it is always some douchebag with some sort of axe to grind. Why can’t we call it for what it is, a bullshit attempt at some attention and a money grab. Rich Hanson, fuck that was nothing, you used a chair with wheels. A motorbike is a modified chair with wheels does that mean that every asshole biker in Sturgis deserves a day named after them? WOW! You went across the world on two wheels and not your feet like a real man. That is technology for you. What is that? You were paralyzed and raising money for a good casue? Wowwie! Douchebag, should have at least got out and crawled the last few kilometers if you wanted a pledge from me. How do you kill a fox? Simple, you cut off one of his legs and make him run across Canada! He had a bit more balls, but still cheated, he used a mechanical leg to do the trip. There should be an asterisk beside his accomplishments, fucking cheater. Forrest at least gave up on the 6 million dollar man look and shook off the leg braces. But he was still a huge douche. How he was a world champion ping ponger, or whatever you call them. Fuck that. Runs across America three times, world champ ping ponger, meets all the president’s in person… Millionaire shrimper, what else? Oh yeah, useless fucking tard from the south. They should have mulched him up as a baby and fertilized the lawn with him. Put that shit he was full of to some use at least. Fuck that is the last time that I let Shannon pick a fucking movie. Next you know I will be watching fucking the Helen Keller Story “waaahhhhttttuuuurrrr” Yeah, it’s fucking water!, you want a fucking medal? Wonder how long it took her to figure out what a golden shower was. |
|
|||||||||||||||
|
|
